soon enough.

Most of you follow this blog for Little Lincoln, but im going to take a minute and hijack it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make this public, personally im not a fan of attention, but Adam and I chatted and thought it would be good to have as many people in prayer for our family as possible.

In 10 short days I will reach the young age of 27, and I will be recovering from a hysterectomy that I had 4 days before that.

Lets back up a bit, and it may be a little TMI for some.

As most of you women who have a baby know, that first cycle after giving birth is rough. lots of blood.

I just kept telling myself that the heavy bleeding was normal, i’d give it a couple months and see how my body adjusts.

Then we moved to Washington, finding a new doctor is the worst, I researched doctors for hours, I finally just asked a new friend who she thought was good and made an appointment.

In May I briefly went to the hospital for a really bad urinary tract infection and they did a CT scan and reported back that they didn’t see anything wrong with my bladder. Just a really bad infection that eventually cleared up.

At my appointment she went on to say  “heavy bleeding can be normal, lets get an ultra sound and just check to be safe.”

A week later we got the news about Lincolns Brain Surgery. My heavy bleeding was just going to have to wait.

Lincolns surgery and the whole 3 weeks in childrens was hard, its took me to my max and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I was stressed, emotional- missed my kids to no end, and wanted our life back to normal.

The end of summer came fast.

I went to my doctor again and requested for the ultra sound to be re ordered because it had expired by that point. I was now having my cycle every 20 days and bleeding and clotting in between that.

Its so weird getting an ultra sound and not seeing a baby. Adam and I agreed after Lincoln was born that he would be our last, he had a vasectomy a month after he was born. I don’t regret that decision but as a mama, to know you’ll never carry a baby again, aches.

The ultra sound tech began saying she saw a tumor and needed to measure it compared to the size it was in May.

I sat up at that moment and asked her what she was talking about… Size in May?

That CT scan I had in May for my UTI showed I had a tumor, non cancerous.

I called the ER and talked to the head doctor, very upset that they wouldn’t have told me, he said that since it wasn’t related to the UTI that they didn’t actually need to tell me.

The tumor, which is called a Fibroid are very common. They affect 1 in 4 woman from the ages 35 and up. A submucosal fibroid is a non-cancerous tumor that develops in the inner layer of the uterus. Submucosal fibroids are the most rare. They cause heavy cycles, bleeding in between cycles and clotting, I wont go into detail, but I was experiencing them all.

They found out I was severely anemic from the amount of blood I had been losing. To be drained and try to run a house and keep 3 kids alive is not easy! Adam has done an amazing job at helping. He has been working 50-60 hour work weeks, then coming home and cooking dinner to just end up cleaning the house. My mommy guilt has been deep and as time goes by I’m not able to keep up with life. I had to miss Ruthies Dance practice on Tuesday because walking around on Halloween was to much and I was up in pain and bleeding all night. Lincolns PT was the day after and I had to call and tell them we couldn’t make it, I just needed that extra day.

Adams cousin Lonna sent me the most amazing email, she has recently went through some health stuff and she spoke heavy truth to me.

Let me speak to your mommy/wife guilt for a minute… this is really hard, but you must remind yourself that the Lord loves your Husband and children even more than you do. He is allowing you all to go through this for their collective benefit as well. All the ways you fall short are a deeper call to dependence on the goodness of the Lord for your husband and children. He will not waste a moment of your sufferings… remind yourself, pray to these ends for your husband and children, and then rest in His grace, knowing He is actively bringing about His good purposes in their lives. 

Fibroids grow over time, they grow because of hormones, because of stress. Mine is a quarter the size of my uterus. He agreed to allow me to keep my ovaries so my hormones wont be affected.

Because of where this fibroid is growing, the only option is a hysterectomy.

That word is so hard to hear at my age.

I’m a sentimental person. I held onto my uterus and cried, it held all three of my children, carried them to life. I know we are not going to have any more, but it makes it so incredibly final.

I have this quiet excitement happening though. I almost don’t know what its like to feel normal, to have energy, to run with my kids at the park and not be in pain, to not have to rely on an afternoon nap to get me through the rest of day, to be able to work-out and finally no more bleeding, ever.

I had my pre op appointment on Tuesday and he was very pleased with all the questions I had.

I wont be able to lift Lincoln for 6 weeks. That is killing me. He has been such a mamas boy, I guess snuggles in mamas bed will just have to do. We will put him in the pack in play- it has this awesome hole that unzips and he can crawl in and out of it. We will have to come up with some other hacks. For now I will be doing a lot of holding him 😉

Me and Zion were at the store yesterday and we had picked a dress out for Ruthie for Family pics. It was $48. It was on a sale rack so I brought it up for her to scan, it came out to $30 and said I would have to pass. I was bummed but I just couldn’t spend that much on a dress. The lady behind the counter must have seen it in my eyes, she entered a couple things into the register and brought it down to $15, and winked. She said clothes shouldn’t be that much, I had to look away as my eyes filled with tears, for someone who doesn’t even know me to be so kind. I wish she could have seen the look in Ruthies eyes when we gave her the dress.

Zion started telling me how much he loves it here in Washington, I asked him what he loved about it and he went on to say that he loves the people here, how they are so kind.

The couple of you who know about what’s going on right now have been so generous to offer to help with meals and play dates. After everything that has happened with Linc, God has taught me to accept the help. I still find this guilt though “they have their own families to feed, I cant possibly have them make us dinner to!” “we live way out in the valley, I cant allow her to drive way up here to pick the kids up.” but then Lonna, again, brought me to my knees in thanks.

I felt remarkable guilt for the lavish provision of our family/community while I couldn’t reciprocate or even build relationships with our givers. They were super lucky to get a thank you note. Imagine for a minute you are a millionaire. Imagine you meet a Mom in your exact condition, with a husband and three children, one of which has the same condition as Lincoln. If you were made aware of her condition, I am certain you would count it your utter joy to provide all you could for her needs. Would you do this with an expectation that she could repay you? Certainly not. Would you feel better about your gift if she called you and every time she received something from you she said she couldn’t accept it? You would spend 30 min convincing her she needed to accept your gift, and she would relent. As she receives gifts, in her mind she is indebted to you and needs to repay you. As a millionaire, are you keeping tabs? Certainly not. There is a prideful part of us, stemming from our desire to “do it ourself”, that creates a disconnect with reality. The reality is that we are all needy, and the Lord is the giver of ALL good things. He has “cattle on a thousand hills”. Does he keep tabs so we can repay Him? NO! As His children, all that He has also belongs to us in Christ!  It brings Him great joy and pleasure to lavishly provide for all our needs… even generously for our desires if we would just ask. The way that both the poor woman and us can be most pleasing in our response to generostiy, is to enjoy the goodness of the gift as a reflection of the giver… Drinking deeply of the grace allowed to them by the gift out of honor and gratefulness to the giver. That is how God wants us to receive all the gifts and provisions He provides… don’t let guilt of undeserving stain the goodness of the gift and ultimately the Giver. ASK the Lord to provide practical help for you guys in this time because you are desperate and needy, with no ability to repay… watch Him move mountians. -Lonna

If you could pray for a successful Surgery. It will be about 2 hours long and then I will be in the hospital for 1-2 days. The following weeks will be hard. My mom Kema is coming out to help for 3 weeks, the kids couldn’t be more excited- its nice to have a rainbow in the storm.

They will be doing a pathology report on everything they take out, be praying that is all negative for Cancer.

Prayers for Adam, after Zion and Ruthie I almost bled to death, this is a little close to home, pray for his strength and peace in this.

And the kids, aww my precious children. Ruthie is worried I will be gone as long as I was for Lincoln, poor thing. Just pray for them to not be anxious and know that mommy will be okay.

This cant come soon enough!

Thank you for your prayers! I will post an update on everything in a couple weeks!

Love, Kaysie