August 3, 2015 about 5 months after Lincoln was born.
I lay in bed as I’m trying to match Adams breathing in hopes that it will put me to sleep. I’m at my wit’s end. Depressed. Could this be postpartum depression? again. Its one thing to be completely overwhelmed by the tedious task of caring for a newborn and two other young children, it’s another to care for a child with ichthyosis. Those were the days when I was trying to keep up with the unending nursing and pumping to fulfill his appetite with the amount of calories he burns to keep him healthy with his ichthyosis, those were the days of bathing after bathing and trying every new product on the market to keep him comfortable, those were the days my knees were raw from praying and my eyes didn’t have anymore tears to give. Those were the days that everyone around, except me had this complete knowing that God was going to heal Lincoln. I knew God was capable of healing Lincoln of this skin condition, but I wasn’t convinced that he would.
As I continued to try to talk my self to sleep I slowly drifted off. My body relaxed but my mind not quite asleep. I start to experience this feeling, it’s actually impossible to describe.
I’m watching my self running fast and as hard as I body could allow, for a long time down a dirt road, east. I eventually came to a halting stop- I’m in sunshine, the air is still, no noise around me, I’m still. Looking ahead as I see the dirt getting spun up, a large tree to my left and black birds of all kinds start to surround me, I can’t get free of them. I look forward wanting to run but I cant, the dirt is spinning faster, ahead of me the sky is getting darker.. I’m still on the side with the sun, but for some reason I cant move. I see a hole of darkness and the wind doesn’t stop, all I can think of is how to leave this place I was in, I cant find a way out, it starts to rain. I snap out of it. I’m in bed completely out of breath and soaked in sweat.
The next morning feels uneasy, unfinished almost. I leave the kids with my mom as I come to a realization that I know exactly what road that “vision” was on. and at that instant I heard the word GO. I wasn’t to thrilled about the idea of looking for this spot, as it was very terrifying to say the least.
I knew this was something of God, so I brought my bible and knew I needed to journal every detail as I was driving.
The road that God brought me to was a road heading east out of our hometown in Colorado, it’s a dirt road with some gravel spots in between and pretty abandoned with farms throughout.
I started to drive. There was a field of sunflowers and I thought this must be the place he wants me to stop and at that moment I heard “no” I kept driving and driving to what must have felt like hours. To my left there was a slaughter-house for cows, “come on God, Really? here?” and he said “no” again. Finally there was a street named Navajo and at this point I had been driving for about 35 min. I couldn’t help but to think this was a waste of time. God again told me to not stop here. As I kept driving I saw oil plants and fields of cattle after cattle and just prayed that God would tell me when to stop, that none of this made sense.
Go east I heard. I started to cry like a little girl that I was going east!
I drove for about another 30-45 minutes and I came to a property with a Dead End sign, and I looked up and I was on road 23. My favorite number as a child. I couldn’t go anymore, and there I was, the spot.
I stayed in my car soaking in the scene around me. There was a very large cottonwood tree up the road to my left. To my right there was a field getting watered by the large sprinkler, and at that moment the sun hit the water just perfect and I saw a rainbow.
I got my bible and wasn’t sure what to read, so I did the whole “lets open it anywhere and start to read trick”
I want to remind you the state of mind I was in at that time. I hadn’t slept well, I was feeling uneasy for driving this far, and I was depressed to the point where I had an appointment to go get on meds.
Psalm 50:2 Out of Zion the perfection of beauty, God shines forth.
I love seeing my Sons name in the bible.
I kept reading on and on to see how this psalm could relate to me at this time.
I got to Psalm 50:10 and it went on to say… For every beast of the forest is mine, the cattle on a thousand hills. 11 I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine.
I thought to myself that I had just drove by fields of cattle, he must be reassuring me that this isn’t a waste of time. I then read that he knows all of the birds of the hills, as I read that verse I looked up to see the tree releasing a magnificent amount of birds into the sky. tears down my face, I continue to read.
Psalm 50:15 call upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.
I thought about what I just read and I sat in awe. I was in trouble, my heart was hurting, deeply hurting.
Colorado summers are hot, not much wind in the day. I had my windows down in the van. A small glimpse of wind picked up the pages of my bible and brought me a couple of pages over to Psalm 55.
Psalm 55:4 the first verse to read on that page.
4 My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
5 Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
6 And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
7 yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
8 I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest.”
My vision the night before was very overwhelming and standing alone in the dark of the street watching the rage around me left me trembling.
In the state of my depression, I was never physically suicidal but I had the thoughts of having wings like a dove and flying away to be at rest.
My whole vision I was trying to find shelter from the raging wind and tempest.
I continue reading.
16 But I call to God,
and the Lord will save me.
17 Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.
18 He redeems my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage..
My clock says 11:55am
Psalm 56:1 Be gracious to me… all day long an attacker oppresses me.
So close to noon. I sit still and breathe in the scene around me and not much has changed, I still see the rainbow, the water is kissing the field trying to bring life to the dry Colorado summer.
I look over at the field again and a burst of energy hits my chest as I see a blanket of white butterflies. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage.
As I’m soaking this all in there is a dragonfly sitting on my windshield directly in front of me. I have always had this fascination over dragonflies. I look at all its details and it has hints of blue-green and purple. it’s the most stunning dragonfly I have ever seen. I had an instant of peace over my body and soul. Dragonflies are “known” for change in transformation, deeper thoughts, self-realization and joy and new light.
I started my car and I was getting ready to leave, I looked around one more time at the beauty surrounding me, not wanting to go. The white field of butterflies, the rainbow, the dragonfly and that old cotton tree. I asked God if he was going to heal Lincoln, he told me yes.
As I was driving away, the tree released 3 birds.
To this day I don’t know what the 3 birds mean.
I was healed of my depression at the moment of seeing the butterflies.
I’m still confident that God will heal Lincoln, I know he is capable of healing him of everything, I’m just not sure when and what God will heal him of.
As for now, he just healed Lincolns life threatening infection that was surrounding his precious brain. He saved him from another round of 2 intrusive surgeries. Thank you all you prayer warriors, you had a hand in that. Tears in my eyes, I wish I could hug every single one of you.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing praise to the King of kings
You are my everything and I will adore You
Filled with wonder awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water
Such a marvelous mystery
Here are some pictures of my bible from that day.
Adam gifted me this dragonfly for my birthday. Everytime I see it in my kitchen window I give Thanks to God.
Lincoln has been doing amazing. He is just infatuated with Zion and Ruthie. He LOVES Adam like the moon loves the stars. He is walking all over and thinks its super fun to climb all over everything. His giggle is contagious. He is almost 18 months old already!
His next appointment is on August 25. He will have an MRI to check how everything is working in his brain, to see how the cyst is looking- im praying that its just gone! And he will also have labs done and we will will talk to his Hemmatology doctor about what to do about his blood condition.
Here are some recent pictures of our family.