In the days leading up to Lincolns First Birthday I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. As the reality hits me I’m in complete awe at how fast this year has gone by.
You’re my last baby, Lincoln. They say once you turn one you’re no longer a baby but now a toddler… I’m just going to ignore that he said she said. You will always be my baby.
You know that feeling you get when life is running away from you a little bit at a time; a mixture of happiness and sadness, and excitement for the future?
That is what it feels like to have your baby turn one.
There something bittersweet about the fleeting nature of childhood.
My firstborns First year went by quick, but not fast, it wasn’t a blink of an eye and he’s one. You know how it is with a firstborn, you are their number one, sitting in the front row, their biggest cheerleader, you give them all your attention, because why not? His baby book is filled up, and words are coming off the page. Everything is recorded.
Then you have the second baby…
You think this may be your last baby, you try and squeeze in a snuggle between potty training the firstborn and reheating your coffee for the third time. You thought that you would get one on one time with them while big brother is at preschool but she decides to have a morning nap. Your still her biggest cheerleader, and will always be, I mean she is your only girl. You still manage to find room in the front row but it’s like having a front row seat with a bit of a restricted view. Her baby book is filled up to 7 months and all the pictures are ready to be taped on, you were determined to fill it out because you didn’t want to be that mom that didn’t have time just because this is your second child.
The third baby, our last.
Putting all Lincoln’s special care aside. It’s hard to give him my all, good thing he has a big brother and sister,
because it’s like living with his own entertainment center, he doesn’t even like TV- they provide enough live “tv” for him. He’s had to entertain himself more often than not. His diaper doesn’t get changed right away and sometimes I forget to feed him lunch- I mean he takes his afternoon nap with a baba anyways- that’s lunch right? I will always be his biggest cheerleader, still in the front row giving big brother a drink and situating Sister somewhere on my lap. I don’t miss the big moments, but I do miss some of the finer details. He doesn’t even have a baby book, is it too late to buy one?
Lincolns first year was life-altering to me, and I assume the rest of his life will be. The highs were epic, the lows were crushing. During this last year I have cried harder than I ever have in my life. There has been sobbing in the shower and desperate wails of “why“ and “help him God.” This year as a mother has pushed me to my limits. I’ve found a depth of strength that was yet unlocked. I’ve seen grace, I’ve touched Love, and I’ve tasted mercy.
Having a child born with a special need has changed me. I was that mom that would see kids born with some sort of “problem” and say I could never do that, well here I am doing it…God sure has equipped me with the strength.
Lincoln Baby you are seriously my pride and joy, I look into your eyes and have a brief feeling of what it must feel like when God looks at us.
You were a whole 4lbs in the NICU and I didn’t even know how to hold you.
I know you won’t remember everything you had to go through this year, but I hope you never forget that you are brave, and you can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. Through him you can find the courage.
I know you won’t remember the first time you said mama, but it was your first word and I exploded with pure joy as the puddles filled beneath my feet.
I know you won’t remember how you snort your little nose as you laugh, but I hope you’ll never forget to always be a goofball, don’t take life too serious.
I know you won’t remember the times that people looked at you with their rude comments and stares, but I hope you never forget your true image- that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.
You have somehow managed to captivate me and completely and utterly rock my world.
You have a giggle that turns into a squeal, that turns into a scream and it melts most.
I will never forget the days in the NICU and dad would sing Amazing Grace to you while you’re little fragile body filled his daddy hands; you would look at him with complete peace as you drifted to sleep.
You are our Joy, our peace, our happiness, our baby and our Adventure.
You are our treasure.
Happy First Birthday little one!